After a long hiatus with lot happening in my life and around, i decided to write something that is one of the most disturbing finding of mine. This can well be rubbished as pure assumption of a complex mind or you can decide to read it and give it a thought. Now, before you think about it, i want to list out what this article is NOT about....this is not about dos and dont's of parenting, i am not a parent (well not until now) and therefore claim no such knowledge. This is also not about hating parents - well i strongly believe those who hate their parents go to hell. This is not about judgements and prejudices, this is about my findings and thoughts.
I came across a phrase "When world teaches you wrong, parents can correct it, but when parents teach you wrong, you are doomed". True? Well this is what i would like to talk about and write in here. Maybe, i am wrong, but then aren't we all biased towards our parents? Don't we take things at the face value with them? If my mother has to come to me with teary eyes and tell me what wrong has happened with her due to someone's badly spoken words, won't i hate that someone for rest of my life? If my father comes to me and say that he is hurt due to someone, i guess, its just apt that i hate that someone for no reason. Also, if my parents continuously tell me how good i am, that i am the best in the world, or that there is no one like me ever, and keep doing it on a regular basis, won't i develop a superlative syndrome?Basically what i mean in here is that its very different with things/talks related to parents. We tend to almost never question the gist, intentions and matter, primarily the reason being that we trust them immensely. So what if they are biased and egoistic with an intention to divert you from something and use their powers to feed wrongful information in you, there by causing immense hurt and pain - knowingly but without knowing the impact.
Another point is that parents can be your friend but only by choice - this in no way can be an alternative to the bigger responsibility that they have towards you as a parent. Therefor, they can switch roles, different topics and the way that they want to explain things to you. But basically they are your guiding star, unlike the flexibility that your friends enjoy of misguiding you, your guiding star can almost never go wrong. This is a huge responsibility that parents have and often that's what they say is biggest deal with being a parent. As a parent you can almost never give up on your child, never bring in your ego, never misguide the child... never, for the results can be disastrous. While as a parent you'd have lived your entire life the child is just about beginning it. If misguided due to ego hassles, idiocy or plain simple immaturity, it goes a long way in spoiling the child's future.
Now, if its the immaturity or prejudices of the parents, if they decide to keep you covered and keep you away from the "real" truth just because they have some hidden agenda (often ego), you will have no way to find that out until very late.
I have come across a few parents who on the behest of being friends with their child, actually wave their hands off any responsibility. Now this works in west, primary reason being the kids walk out of home at 15 and then they are on their own, learning and maturing through life. In east, kids continue to live with their parents until they are well over 25 or until they get a job or get married. Which means, parents have higher and more deeper impact on kids. Now, if your parents have a habit of acting on an assumption, it gets in the child too. If your parents have a habit of jumping off to conclusions just to rubbish things of, child gets the habit too.
Well all i am saying is that parents need to have bigger perspective of life (its obvious!!) and they can't or simply should not jump on to conclusions until every possible event, or act has been thoroughly checked.
Now, i want to touch upon the most difficult part - a child finding out that the parents have been thoroughly wrong in the way they behaved. Imagine if it was you, if you could find out that your parents have been guiding you in wrong direction - almost always!!. It will be a big heart break, and almost immediately it will turn you defensive. You will start finding out reasons of how to rubbish this "fact" that they have been wrong, you will waste lot of important time in that. You will try every possible method of negating facts, your own findings and thoughts, thereby turning you into a complete messed up house with lot of inner conflicts. You will loose focus, will be cranky and will end up in a marshy land - continuously being sucked into the mud obviously since you are trying so hard to come out of it.
The conflict will continue until you sit down, list out facts and situations and see what was advised to you by them - once you have this, use your judgement on the advice given - see for yourself whether it was right or wrong and then move on. Its easier said than done but its imperative that you do, for if you keep doing the things mentioned in the above paragraph, you will spiral down to the very bottom and eventually end up loosing every bit of your life.
Parents are so important that you can never take them out of your life, you shouldn't and therefore its very important for parents to understand that they cannot act in hurry, immature and unreasonable way. If they do so, they are not only spoiling their life but they are actually spoiling a whole generation and the next.
Well i know few parents, who acted in immature way, problem is that they still don't believe that they did so. A few have lost their children, for the child refuses to meet them or come to them, a few are on the verge of loosing the kids and i am sure, a few kids are out there trying to find out about the advices that they were given.
Its a heartbreak for the kid to see that they were misguided by their guiding star, its an extremely difficult situation for the kid for they have to fight so many demons, most of them are within. It often ends up spoiling the life of the kid.
Its also important to understand that apart from being the guiding stars, parents are also the anchors of our lives. They keep us grounded, closer together as a family unit, keep us humble and keep us tolerant of shortcomings of others. That is how a family is constructed for in no family everyone is perfect. But if anchored wrong or at a wrong place, even the boat can drift away from shore, loose the sight and just be a wanderer, vagabond, think about the damage that wrongful behavior of parent in anchoring a kid could do?
Now, i did not say don't love your parents, i did not say leave them, i did not say that they do not know things.. well i often joke about it, "Today i am 30, my dad was 30, 30 yrs ago", that's the level of experience that they have. However, its extremely important to be clear, as a kid you need to draw that line that you have received wrong advice. Some of the pointers that can tell you if your parents are following a wrong policy are listed bellow: -
1. They are too self centered and have almost no one visiting them on a daily basis
2. Their careers have not gone beyond a point - a clear indication of they continuously making wrong choices in people, job etc which means they seem to have it all wrong when it comes to people policy
3. They never discus things and only pass judgements.
4. They always talk of separation, loss, bad behaviors of others towards them.
5. They use bad language at home (not necessarily swearing but bad quality language)
6. They talk in higher pitches
7. They have no hobbies and do not know what to do in their spare time
8. They are not religious or do not attend any community programs
9. They seem to know nothing about how to grow in your career
10. Most important - how they treat people important to you in your life.
Parents are extremly important and essential part of your life, but you need to make sure that they are not giving you wrong advices to their prejudices.
I am lucky to have a father who has played the role of an anchor in my life - he has almost never been wrong, he has kept his prejudices at bay, he gives me advices without being biased. Even when its dark and bad and terrible with me, he shows me path, he lights it up for me. I don't know what i would've done if he was not around. He shaped my career, he is my "goto" man when i need help. Its been 10 yrs of my professional life, and i continue to go to him for advices. He helped me come out of my financial mess - not by giving me money, but by being my investment adviser. He helped me shape up my professional life, helped me by taking crucial decisions, backed every decision of mine by using his vast experience and network of people. He has examples from real life for every situation, he reaches out to people for me to get me best guidance.
He is my anchor. He is my guiding star!!
Do you have a similar anchor? someone who will always show you the path.... always....and trust me, it has to be a father who can anchor you, mothers are there to help you be good and love you, fathers have to be the guiding star, and anchor both. They can't run away from their responsibilities even when things are not happening according to their whims and fancies.
Do a status check, see if your father guided you in right direction - if not, then don't stop loving him, do not leave him. But you have to take a hard stop, turn around and stop following him. But please, never stop loving your parents, for, they are the simple reason for you to be in this world, for you to be healthy and being able to walk!! which was God's gift to you. Life is complex and so are its decisions.
I find it very difficult that few father's dont own any responsibility, all they do and say is finding shortcuts, saying bad things, asking for separations, talking ill about people while actually, its they who are wrong.. completely...
Thank God that he didn't gave me a father who even though loves me, knows nothing about the complexities of life and thinks of my life to be separated than his.
I can only Thank Almighty that he made me lucky... and yes..Thank you Papa for always being there for me, and thank you for being my guiding star, I am so happy that i dont have to wander to find answers, i always get them in my home, from you!!
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