Marriage-II

It’s less then a month to go from now, before I get married. As far as my relationship is concerned its a fair achievement After all that I and my fiancé have undergone, reaching this day can be explained like triumph of Indian team in a T20 world cup. Immensely satisfying and extremely pretty.

However, I now see myself struggling with a few aspects that i was most definitely and most dramatically used to tell to people. First being am now getting anxious each passing day. Anxious about the gelling of two families with entirely different culture and value system.

If i have to imagine and compare the difference of opinion in the two families, then the first thought that comes to my mind is one metal striking the other with splinters flying all across. The only positive that comes out of this imagination is the fact that the metals bond beyond any force's capacity to set them apart.

Anxiety is something that i have never been scared of. Neither am i worried about the chain of events that would follow for i know this world has more educated people then what were there when my it was my dad's world.

Second aspect that worries me is something called attitude. I most certainly believe that one cannot change his/her attitude. It is way of being for a person and if i ask you to change it overnight, trust me, all hell will break loose. Now think from the point of view of the lady that leaves one family with one set of back ground, culture and value system, and moves into another family with entirely different parameters for the same sets.

At one hand she would be skeptic while on the other she would be scared. According to me here's where the learning from families come into picture. Traditionally in India, all the daughters in family are made to understand about terms like "flexibility", "adapting", now if you look into the richness of the culture of India, these parameters are extremely important. Also, here it’s the mother that is of extremely vital importance. Its the mother that has all the experience in the world by virtue of she undergoing same transition some years back. All the learning’s all through her journey of being a girl to a bride then to be daughter in law and then mother makes her so rich in experience. I suppose, the role of mother becomes so crucial that she can actually control the thought process of her daughter. She holds the keys for the level of anxiety and the fear that her daughter would be having. What if mother herself is skeptic and is anxious and worst if she induces her anxiety in her daughter?

Unlike in western world, in India marriage is not amongst two individuals but it’s between two families. And very clearly, the bond is made by the daughter of one family that becomes daughter in law for another. If not for the ladies in the family am sure we men would be half buffoons even now. :) It’s often difficult to understand why only a girl has to change, why not men. Also, why is it the girl that has to leave her house and come over, why is that the girl has to transform her behavior, attitude and way of being? Now these questions are right there coz it’s visible.

Do we even talk about the transformation a man undergoes after marriage? No, the reason, we say, he gets the girl, he gets family, and he gets stability, blah blah!! Again a lot of "he gets" things. Has anyone even bothered to think about the anxiety that a man would undergo in all this process?

The biggest aspect, till now he was a part of his dad's family, he need not to make any decisions, dad would take care of it, now... its him who got to take them, stand by them and live for them. Ok, if this one sounded clichéd to you then how about this one. Till his marriage there is no woman in his life except his mom, and sis (if any), his life with them had a certain way of being with them and he would have never or seldom negotiated with them. Now in the same 100% space that he has there is another lady that steps in. The balance will shuffle until he gets it right again, but no body sees his struggle for it.

I am not saying that man does certain things and needs support, all I am saying is that it’s not only girl that undergoes a change of profile.

Coming to back to the things that I talked in here there are few clear thoughts: -
1) Anxiety is inevitable in marriage
2) Its learning of your entire up bringing that helps you get a relationship going
3) Mothers play extremely important role, it’s like a captain of a ship, if captain sinks ship sinks. They need to be strong and give courage to their daughters rather then making them anxious and skeptic.
4) A man gives in equal amount of energy in a marriage, it’s only the fact that it all gets hidden under the amount that girl gives in.


All said and done, marriage makes you stable, matured, and yes it makes you a man. I am on that path of being a man from a mere bachelor and yes with all the anxiety that I have I am maturing each passing day.

The first fight

This article has been picked up in its true sense from a website and the blog doesn't claim that its been written by the author.

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Where the honeymoon ends and the relationship begins.

No matter how blissful a relationship is in the beginning there will come a time when you have your first fight and for many people it is quite traumatic. First fights are scary things. When conflict arises in a once friction free relationship it always gives way to uncertainty. But the first fight can actually be a positive thing; a defining moment in a relationship that actually makes things more solid.

In the early days of falling for each other everything is always rosy. People are on their best behavior. While still immersed in the getting-to-know you stage people tend to bend their expectations to the absolute limit of their tolerances and are more forgiving of the things that may later bother them. But once a comfort level has been reached and there is some security in the relationship that tolerance level shifts back toward an individual’s real-life base line. This is what breeds the first fight.

Once a relationship becomes more established people start acting more themselves. The best behavior honeymoon stage comes to an end, often abruptly and without warning. The first fight threshold is usually reached when one party gets near the other’s line of tolerance and that person finally feels comfortable letting their partner know that they are bothered. With the rules suddenly changed the person on the receiving end of the upset feels confused and defensive. Voila! We have the first fight.

First Fight: The End or a New Beginning?

It is true that the first fight is the end for some couples but it doesn’t have to be. While first fights are never fun they are actually essential to the evolution of a relationship. Nobody, no matter how close or how compatible they may be, agrees on absolutely everything. There will be conflict in even the best most successful relationships. What determines the quality of the relationship isn’t whether or not fights happen but how those fights are played out and resolved. Couples who listen to one another’s concerns and perspectives, who respect the other’s point of view whether they agree with it or not, and who work toward finding a compromise, are most likely to make it through the first fight stronger for the experience.

How you fight is as important, if not more important, than why you fight. Violence of any kind is never healthy and should not ever be excused. Hitting, kicking, throwing things and other physical manifestations of anger are unhealthy ways to communicate upset. They accomplish nothing and always do more harm than good. Same goes for name calling or playing the blame-game. Even if somebody is clearly in the wrong it doesn’t need to be harped on, mentioning it once or twice can lead to resolution but bringing it up over and over can only bring out defensiveness. One exception is when the person who has done wrong won’t admit and apologize, or when they keep doing the same thing over and over. In that case the issue moves beyond bringing up old issues and becomes a question of why those issues keep rising to the surface.

Surviving the First Fight

In order to survive the first fight a couple must be willing to really examine why the fight happened and both people must be ready to make a compromise. The compromise won’t always be equal, one person may have to give more, but compromise not conquest should be the ultimate goal of any conflict. When deciding who should bend there are three important things to ask as a couple; first, who if anybody was in the wrong, second, who will be hurt most by having to make a change, three if the change being asked is reasonable and possible. In the case of clear right and wrong, such as cheating or lying, the person who has done the wrong must be prepared to give up the most in repairing the damage. But rarely are fights started over issues of clear right and wrong. More often than not it is a difference of opinion or a variation in needs that causes couples to fight.

Where the issue of right or wrong is grey, which is the case 98% of the time, the question then becomes one of the degree of compromise that each person must make and that should be decided by who will feel the most harm or discomfort in meeting their partner’s needs. For example, if a girlfriend is very sensitive to friendships with ex-girlfriends the boyfriend needs to ask himself if making her uncomfortable and insecure is worth maintaining those friendships. If it is, which does happen since all relationships do not end badly, he needs to do everything he can do make his girlfriend comfortable with the friendship. He can never be secretive about what he does or says to the ex and ideally should bring the girls together. If it’s not worth damaging a relationship to maintain ties to an ex then the friendship should be put on the back burner. Regardless the primary relationship should always be put first.

How First Fights Make Relationships Stronger

First fights define relationships. They reaffirm the couple’s commitment to one another and if they are worked through properly can make a relationship stronger. While it is always scary to fight for the first time it is important to acknowledge that fights are normal and that they eventually happen in every close relationship. Why you fight is important but it is how you fight that determines whether or not the conflict will strengthen your bond or stretch it to the limit. Break ups are not the inevitable outcome of the first fight although fearing it will lead to a break up is normal. If a first fight leads to a break up it simply means the foundation of the relationship was not very strong. For good relationships the first fight will solidify things. By wanting to work through conflict rather than run away couples show each other that they are there for a long time, not just for a good time. This realization is an important one. First fights are really just signs that your relationship is moving to a new, more intimate and more committed level. Isn’t that a good thing?

Indian hockey!! anyone listening, watching.. appreciating!!

Guys, before i start writing about it read few lines in here: -
India Vs Mexico18-1 (India wins)
Rajpal Singh and Prabhjot Singh scored six and four goals respectively, including a hat-trick apiece.V Ramachandra Raghunath, doubled up and, struck four, while Shivendra Singh (2), Tushar Khandekar (1) and Sardara Singh (1)

India Vs Austria7-3 (India wins)
Dilip Tirkey (9th, 23rd minutes), Shivendra Singh (51st, 55th), Ignace Tirkey (42nd), Bharat Chhikara (53rd) and Rajpal Singh (53rd) struck telling blows.

India Vs Russia8-0 (India wins)
Prabhjot Singh, who is in tremendous form, did the star turn for the Indians, scoring three goals (19th, 29th, 65th minutes) while Dilip Tirkey (14th), Tushar Khandekar (36th), Sardara Singh (48th) and V Ramachandra Raghunath (54th) accounted for the others

Still no mention of them in any cover of any newspaper, are we doing justice to these unsung heroes. Remember our cricket team was in shades until picked up by right set of guys and followed up by frenzy crouds. I do not understand why we arent following hockey which is a quick paced game where fortunes turn at a flick or a drag.

We are beating teams fair and square for quiet sometime now and all that the team gets is a quiet ride in autorickshaw back to their home. So unlike of a country that treats cricket players like demi gods and takes out processions not to mention showering of money if they win any game.

Ok,i agree that our hockey team is not the best in world but neither is our cricket team. Apart from that, even the smallest kid in the block would know dhoni but does anyone even think about prabhjot who is leading like a hero...

pathetic state of affairs.. i dont mind calling this country a rascist country.. so what if we do not differentiate by the color of skin, we definitely do it when it comes to our national game.
for all those people who remember cricket team by heart.. please take some time off and read below the details of indian hockey team that is playing its hearts out to secure the national honor of making it to beijing olympics.

Wake up guys and support them.. they need it...

Team: - Goalkeepers: Bharat Chetri, Baljit Singh.

Defenders: Dilip Tirkey, V R Raghunath, Wiiliam Xalxo, Diwakar Ram.

Midfielders: Gurbaj Singh, Prabodh Tirkey (captain), Bimal Lakra, Sardara Singh, Ignace Tirkey, Vikram Kanth.

Forwards: Rajpal Singh, Prabhjot Singh, Tushar Khandekar, Shivendra Singh, Bharat Chikara, Ajeethesh Rai.

Standbys: Sreejesh (goalkeeper), Samir Baxla (defender), S V Sunil, Birendra Lakra, Roshan Minz, Cheeyanna (all forwards).

Officials: Joaquim Carvalho (chief coach), M P Singh (coach), M Ramesh Parameswsaran (assistant coach), Ganguly Prasad (trainer-SAI, Bangalore), Sreekanth Iyengar (physio), Prasanna (video analyst), Nagaraj (masseur), M M Somayya (technical director) and R K Shetty (manager).