Marriage-II

It’s less then a month to go from now, before I get married. As far as my relationship is concerned its a fair achievement After all that I and my fiancé have undergone, reaching this day can be explained like triumph of Indian team in a T20 world cup. Immensely satisfying and extremely pretty.

However, I now see myself struggling with a few aspects that i was most definitely and most dramatically used to tell to people. First being am now getting anxious each passing day. Anxious about the gelling of two families with entirely different culture and value system.

If i have to imagine and compare the difference of opinion in the two families, then the first thought that comes to my mind is one metal striking the other with splinters flying all across. The only positive that comes out of this imagination is the fact that the metals bond beyond any force's capacity to set them apart.

Anxiety is something that i have never been scared of. Neither am i worried about the chain of events that would follow for i know this world has more educated people then what were there when my it was my dad's world.

Second aspect that worries me is something called attitude. I most certainly believe that one cannot change his/her attitude. It is way of being for a person and if i ask you to change it overnight, trust me, all hell will break loose. Now think from the point of view of the lady that leaves one family with one set of back ground, culture and value system, and moves into another family with entirely different parameters for the same sets.

At one hand she would be skeptic while on the other she would be scared. According to me here's where the learning from families come into picture. Traditionally in India, all the daughters in family are made to understand about terms like "flexibility", "adapting", now if you look into the richness of the culture of India, these parameters are extremely important. Also, here it’s the mother that is of extremely vital importance. Its the mother that has all the experience in the world by virtue of she undergoing same transition some years back. All the learning’s all through her journey of being a girl to a bride then to be daughter in law and then mother makes her so rich in experience. I suppose, the role of mother becomes so crucial that she can actually control the thought process of her daughter. She holds the keys for the level of anxiety and the fear that her daughter would be having. What if mother herself is skeptic and is anxious and worst if she induces her anxiety in her daughter?

Unlike in western world, in India marriage is not amongst two individuals but it’s between two families. And very clearly, the bond is made by the daughter of one family that becomes daughter in law for another. If not for the ladies in the family am sure we men would be half buffoons even now. :) It’s often difficult to understand why only a girl has to change, why not men. Also, why is it the girl that has to leave her house and come over, why is that the girl has to transform her behavior, attitude and way of being? Now these questions are right there coz it’s visible.

Do we even talk about the transformation a man undergoes after marriage? No, the reason, we say, he gets the girl, he gets family, and he gets stability, blah blah!! Again a lot of "he gets" things. Has anyone even bothered to think about the anxiety that a man would undergo in all this process?

The biggest aspect, till now he was a part of his dad's family, he need not to make any decisions, dad would take care of it, now... its him who got to take them, stand by them and live for them. Ok, if this one sounded clichéd to you then how about this one. Till his marriage there is no woman in his life except his mom, and sis (if any), his life with them had a certain way of being with them and he would have never or seldom negotiated with them. Now in the same 100% space that he has there is another lady that steps in. The balance will shuffle until he gets it right again, but no body sees his struggle for it.

I am not saying that man does certain things and needs support, all I am saying is that it’s not only girl that undergoes a change of profile.

Coming to back to the things that I talked in here there are few clear thoughts: -
1) Anxiety is inevitable in marriage
2) Its learning of your entire up bringing that helps you get a relationship going
3) Mothers play extremely important role, it’s like a captain of a ship, if captain sinks ship sinks. They need to be strong and give courage to their daughters rather then making them anxious and skeptic.
4) A man gives in equal amount of energy in a marriage, it’s only the fact that it all gets hidden under the amount that girl gives in.


All said and done, marriage makes you stable, matured, and yes it makes you a man. I am on that path of being a man from a mere bachelor and yes with all the anxiety that I have I am maturing each passing day.