The first fight

This article has been picked up in its true sense from a website and the blog doesn't claim that its been written by the author.

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Where the honeymoon ends and the relationship begins.

No matter how blissful a relationship is in the beginning there will come a time when you have your first fight and for many people it is quite traumatic. First fights are scary things. When conflict arises in a once friction free relationship it always gives way to uncertainty. But the first fight can actually be a positive thing; a defining moment in a relationship that actually makes things more solid.

In the early days of falling for each other everything is always rosy. People are on their best behavior. While still immersed in the getting-to-know you stage people tend to bend their expectations to the absolute limit of their tolerances and are more forgiving of the things that may later bother them. But once a comfort level has been reached and there is some security in the relationship that tolerance level shifts back toward an individual’s real-life base line. This is what breeds the first fight.

Once a relationship becomes more established people start acting more themselves. The best behavior honeymoon stage comes to an end, often abruptly and without warning. The first fight threshold is usually reached when one party gets near the other’s line of tolerance and that person finally feels comfortable letting their partner know that they are bothered. With the rules suddenly changed the person on the receiving end of the upset feels confused and defensive. Voila! We have the first fight.

First Fight: The End or a New Beginning?

It is true that the first fight is the end for some couples but it doesn’t have to be. While first fights are never fun they are actually essential to the evolution of a relationship. Nobody, no matter how close or how compatible they may be, agrees on absolutely everything. There will be conflict in even the best most successful relationships. What determines the quality of the relationship isn’t whether or not fights happen but how those fights are played out and resolved. Couples who listen to one another’s concerns and perspectives, who respect the other’s point of view whether they agree with it or not, and who work toward finding a compromise, are most likely to make it through the first fight stronger for the experience.

How you fight is as important, if not more important, than why you fight. Violence of any kind is never healthy and should not ever be excused. Hitting, kicking, throwing things and other physical manifestations of anger are unhealthy ways to communicate upset. They accomplish nothing and always do more harm than good. Same goes for name calling or playing the blame-game. Even if somebody is clearly in the wrong it doesn’t need to be harped on, mentioning it once or twice can lead to resolution but bringing it up over and over can only bring out defensiveness. One exception is when the person who has done wrong won’t admit and apologize, or when they keep doing the same thing over and over. In that case the issue moves beyond bringing up old issues and becomes a question of why those issues keep rising to the surface.

Surviving the First Fight

In order to survive the first fight a couple must be willing to really examine why the fight happened and both people must be ready to make a compromise. The compromise won’t always be equal, one person may have to give more, but compromise not conquest should be the ultimate goal of any conflict. When deciding who should bend there are three important things to ask as a couple; first, who if anybody was in the wrong, second, who will be hurt most by having to make a change, three if the change being asked is reasonable and possible. In the case of clear right and wrong, such as cheating or lying, the person who has done the wrong must be prepared to give up the most in repairing the damage. But rarely are fights started over issues of clear right and wrong. More often than not it is a difference of opinion or a variation in needs that causes couples to fight.

Where the issue of right or wrong is grey, which is the case 98% of the time, the question then becomes one of the degree of compromise that each person must make and that should be decided by who will feel the most harm or discomfort in meeting their partner’s needs. For example, if a girlfriend is very sensitive to friendships with ex-girlfriends the boyfriend needs to ask himself if making her uncomfortable and insecure is worth maintaining those friendships. If it is, which does happen since all relationships do not end badly, he needs to do everything he can do make his girlfriend comfortable with the friendship. He can never be secretive about what he does or says to the ex and ideally should bring the girls together. If it’s not worth damaging a relationship to maintain ties to an ex then the friendship should be put on the back burner. Regardless the primary relationship should always be put first.

How First Fights Make Relationships Stronger

First fights define relationships. They reaffirm the couple’s commitment to one another and if they are worked through properly can make a relationship stronger. While it is always scary to fight for the first time it is important to acknowledge that fights are normal and that they eventually happen in every close relationship. Why you fight is important but it is how you fight that determines whether or not the conflict will strengthen your bond or stretch it to the limit. Break ups are not the inevitable outcome of the first fight although fearing it will lead to a break up is normal. If a first fight leads to a break up it simply means the foundation of the relationship was not very strong. For good relationships the first fight will solidify things. By wanting to work through conflict rather than run away couples show each other that they are there for a long time, not just for a good time. This realization is an important one. First fights are really just signs that your relationship is moving to a new, more intimate and more committed level. Isn’t that a good thing?