Last three weeks and a bizarre incident in family

It’s been long since I have posted anything in here. The reason being, that I was way too engrossed in a lot of things around my work, family and travel. Also, let me admit that there wasn’t a topic that was coming in my mind to write something upon. Even today I have nothing, or let me put it in this way, I am confused about what to write and where to begin.

Last three weekends have been a hell ride, almost on each weekend we (I and Nidhi) were traveling nothing less then 800 kms. First weekend saw us travel to Thirumala for darshan of Lord Venkateshwara Swami. It was long due as Nidhi had requested Him for this marriage to happen (Read my previous posts to find out the reason). Second weekend there was a ritual back home at Kota and we traveled almost entire stretch of the country to reach there for two days!!.

The third weekend: - In most bizarre of incidences, mom met with an accident just the very next day (Monday) we had returned from home. She was lucky enough to survive and get away with some bruises and a hair line fracture on her color bone. Though she also had a head injury but that proved more of a cut then of anything serious. All we could do is pray and pray hard for God had saved her big time. The place where the accident occurred was one of the busiest areas of town with Trucks and Lorries plying every minute.

Dad called us at night 9pm when the accident had happened at 2 pm. Another example of how much panic had created there. If I know dad, he appears to be cool while he looses it with in himself. So he has to fight a double fight, one with the outer world and one with himself. Reason, he loves mom more than she thinks or more than anyone of us can even claim to know. He never shows it, may be he believes man shouldn’t be emotional or something of the sorts.

I almost lost it, so did munnu. It took lot of efforts from Nidhi to calm us both down and make us think how best and fast can we do something about it. What followed was a series of phone calls to ascertain the situation back home. Needless to say, we couldn’t sleep properly.

Next day was quiet important in office, one client call was pending for long and pressure was mounting. I couldn’t hold my head steady since the time I walked in office. I had no idea as what can I do sitting about 2500 kms from home. Being eldest ideally it is my responsibility to be with dad at this hour of crisis. In came a call from Nidhi and all she said was, check tickets coz we need to travel. This marked a change of behavior in me. Generally the logical in me takes control over the emotional me and I refrain from showing my emotions (read what I wrote about dad). Nidhi helped me over come that threshold with in. I booked the tickets and we were off in a flash for Kota. Again it took a lot of effort from Nidhi to keep me cool. She kept me busy over lot of small things on the airport thereby not letting me think about the event.

We reached jaipur and were off to Kota almost immediately. Another round of struggle in bus, this time the roles shifted, I was keeping Nidhi cool as she was growing anxious. We reached Kota at 5 am and were at home by 5:20 am. Almost immediately we were with mom. Next thing we saw was that she starts to cry, enough to blow my head. Nidhi again pitched in with her thoughts.

What followed for next four days was me getting to see a new Nidhi. At one hand she continued her regular schedule of teasing (in her pursuit of keeping me cool) while on the other hand she was like another mother balancing life between cooking food for the entire house to taking stock of medicines for mom. Such was the balance that even for a single minute we never came to believe that the lady of house is on bed. Indeed wonderful!!.

Cheenu joined us the next day and then mom’s recovery got sped up. The very next day we saw a different person in Mom. Suddenly she wanted to get up from bed and go about doing her regular household work. Everyone was happy all oozing with energy and sole thing being that everyone wanted mom to be good the very moment.

Mom happens to be fine now and she is on her path of getting recovered. But before I close down on this piece I need to summarize a few things: -

1) Your parents need you, no matter where you are and how much you earn, just ensure that you are with them when they need you the most.

2) Often I have heard that Mother-in-laws and Daughter-in-laws don’t get along well, my understanding got changed this time. It has to be from both sides and slightly more from the DIL’s side.

3) When in crisis, take a deep breath before u run in for any decision, this has a particular reference and need not be discussed in here.

4) Son is important, but Daughter-in-law is more important, best if all the mothers love their daughter-in-laws.

All in all, it was bizarre but I came to know a whole new Nidhi. Best is that she has enough power to help me over come my thresholds. What I have witnessed in last one week, is a visual proof of how things can change if we really want them to.

This blog might appear a lot meaning less to you, but its only for a few to appreciate it. And yes, with this last week one person has grown in her stature for me and that’s my lovely wife… Nidhi… Thanks for coming in my life and yes I Love you chotu.. :-)

Marriage-II

It’s less then a month to go from now, before I get married. As far as my relationship is concerned its a fair achievement After all that I and my fiancé have undergone, reaching this day can be explained like triumph of Indian team in a T20 world cup. Immensely satisfying and extremely pretty.

However, I now see myself struggling with a few aspects that i was most definitely and most dramatically used to tell to people. First being am now getting anxious each passing day. Anxious about the gelling of two families with entirely different culture and value system.

If i have to imagine and compare the difference of opinion in the two families, then the first thought that comes to my mind is one metal striking the other with splinters flying all across. The only positive that comes out of this imagination is the fact that the metals bond beyond any force's capacity to set them apart.

Anxiety is something that i have never been scared of. Neither am i worried about the chain of events that would follow for i know this world has more educated people then what were there when my it was my dad's world.

Second aspect that worries me is something called attitude. I most certainly believe that one cannot change his/her attitude. It is way of being for a person and if i ask you to change it overnight, trust me, all hell will break loose. Now think from the point of view of the lady that leaves one family with one set of back ground, culture and value system, and moves into another family with entirely different parameters for the same sets.

At one hand she would be skeptic while on the other she would be scared. According to me here's where the learning from families come into picture. Traditionally in India, all the daughters in family are made to understand about terms like "flexibility", "adapting", now if you look into the richness of the culture of India, these parameters are extremely important. Also, here it’s the mother that is of extremely vital importance. Its the mother that has all the experience in the world by virtue of she undergoing same transition some years back. All the learning’s all through her journey of being a girl to a bride then to be daughter in law and then mother makes her so rich in experience. I suppose, the role of mother becomes so crucial that she can actually control the thought process of her daughter. She holds the keys for the level of anxiety and the fear that her daughter would be having. What if mother herself is skeptic and is anxious and worst if she induces her anxiety in her daughter?

Unlike in western world, in India marriage is not amongst two individuals but it’s between two families. And very clearly, the bond is made by the daughter of one family that becomes daughter in law for another. If not for the ladies in the family am sure we men would be half buffoons even now. :) It’s often difficult to understand why only a girl has to change, why not men. Also, why is it the girl that has to leave her house and come over, why is that the girl has to transform her behavior, attitude and way of being? Now these questions are right there coz it’s visible.

Do we even talk about the transformation a man undergoes after marriage? No, the reason, we say, he gets the girl, he gets family, and he gets stability, blah blah!! Again a lot of "he gets" things. Has anyone even bothered to think about the anxiety that a man would undergo in all this process?

The biggest aspect, till now he was a part of his dad's family, he need not to make any decisions, dad would take care of it, now... its him who got to take them, stand by them and live for them. Ok, if this one sounded clichéd to you then how about this one. Till his marriage there is no woman in his life except his mom, and sis (if any), his life with them had a certain way of being with them and he would have never or seldom negotiated with them. Now in the same 100% space that he has there is another lady that steps in. The balance will shuffle until he gets it right again, but no body sees his struggle for it.

I am not saying that man does certain things and needs support, all I am saying is that it’s not only girl that undergoes a change of profile.

Coming to back to the things that I talked in here there are few clear thoughts: -
1) Anxiety is inevitable in marriage
2) Its learning of your entire up bringing that helps you get a relationship going
3) Mothers play extremely important role, it’s like a captain of a ship, if captain sinks ship sinks. They need to be strong and give courage to their daughters rather then making them anxious and skeptic.
4) A man gives in equal amount of energy in a marriage, it’s only the fact that it all gets hidden under the amount that girl gives in.


All said and done, marriage makes you stable, matured, and yes it makes you a man. I am on that path of being a man from a mere bachelor and yes with all the anxiety that I have I am maturing each passing day.