Marriage-II

It’s less then a month to go from now, before I get married. As far as my relationship is concerned its a fair achievement After all that I and my fiancé have undergone, reaching this day can be explained like triumph of Indian team in a T20 world cup. Immensely satisfying and extremely pretty.

However, I now see myself struggling with a few aspects that i was most definitely and most dramatically used to tell to people. First being am now getting anxious each passing day. Anxious about the gelling of two families with entirely different culture and value system.

If i have to imagine and compare the difference of opinion in the two families, then the first thought that comes to my mind is one metal striking the other with splinters flying all across. The only positive that comes out of this imagination is the fact that the metals bond beyond any force's capacity to set them apart.

Anxiety is something that i have never been scared of. Neither am i worried about the chain of events that would follow for i know this world has more educated people then what were there when my it was my dad's world.

Second aspect that worries me is something called attitude. I most certainly believe that one cannot change his/her attitude. It is way of being for a person and if i ask you to change it overnight, trust me, all hell will break loose. Now think from the point of view of the lady that leaves one family with one set of back ground, culture and value system, and moves into another family with entirely different parameters for the same sets.

At one hand she would be skeptic while on the other she would be scared. According to me here's where the learning from families come into picture. Traditionally in India, all the daughters in family are made to understand about terms like "flexibility", "adapting", now if you look into the richness of the culture of India, these parameters are extremely important. Also, here it’s the mother that is of extremely vital importance. Its the mother that has all the experience in the world by virtue of she undergoing same transition some years back. All the learning’s all through her journey of being a girl to a bride then to be daughter in law and then mother makes her so rich in experience. I suppose, the role of mother becomes so crucial that she can actually control the thought process of her daughter. She holds the keys for the level of anxiety and the fear that her daughter would be having. What if mother herself is skeptic and is anxious and worst if she induces her anxiety in her daughter?

Unlike in western world, in India marriage is not amongst two individuals but it’s between two families. And very clearly, the bond is made by the daughter of one family that becomes daughter in law for another. If not for the ladies in the family am sure we men would be half buffoons even now. :) It’s often difficult to understand why only a girl has to change, why not men. Also, why is it the girl that has to leave her house and come over, why is that the girl has to transform her behavior, attitude and way of being? Now these questions are right there coz it’s visible.

Do we even talk about the transformation a man undergoes after marriage? No, the reason, we say, he gets the girl, he gets family, and he gets stability, blah blah!! Again a lot of "he gets" things. Has anyone even bothered to think about the anxiety that a man would undergo in all this process?

The biggest aspect, till now he was a part of his dad's family, he need not to make any decisions, dad would take care of it, now... its him who got to take them, stand by them and live for them. Ok, if this one sounded clichéd to you then how about this one. Till his marriage there is no woman in his life except his mom, and sis (if any), his life with them had a certain way of being with them and he would have never or seldom negotiated with them. Now in the same 100% space that he has there is another lady that steps in. The balance will shuffle until he gets it right again, but no body sees his struggle for it.

I am not saying that man does certain things and needs support, all I am saying is that it’s not only girl that undergoes a change of profile.

Coming to back to the things that I talked in here there are few clear thoughts: -
1) Anxiety is inevitable in marriage
2) Its learning of your entire up bringing that helps you get a relationship going
3) Mothers play extremely important role, it’s like a captain of a ship, if captain sinks ship sinks. They need to be strong and give courage to their daughters rather then making them anxious and skeptic.
4) A man gives in equal amount of energy in a marriage, it’s only the fact that it all gets hidden under the amount that girl gives in.


All said and done, marriage makes you stable, matured, and yes it makes you a man. I am on that path of being a man from a mere bachelor and yes with all the anxiety that I have I am maturing each passing day.

Marriage and the Lady..

Marriage is a word of 8 alphabets but has almost whole of two lives being directly affected, while atleast a dozen being affected at the second level. If you wouldve asked me about it, about three years back, i wouldve promptly told you that being married is getting more problems in life. Actually i was scared, i was scared of being married.

My childhood was quiet a turbulent phase, where in i saw families drifting apart after the boy in the family got married. Am sure there couldve been other reasons but to my simple brain marriage became a villian. I decided not to marry ever in life. There were further impact of a broken heart sometime in my mid 20s and that just added to the firm determination about not getting married. Even till early this year, i wasnt interested in talking about my marriage.

But as they say, there is someone up there admist blue skies who wants you to be happy and takes care of you in his own special way, i was in for a fantastic meeting. Astonishingly i decided to travel to bangalore for a friends wedding, am sure i wasnt an important entity in her wedding and even if i havent come in, the marriage wouldve been as grand as it was. Nonetheless, i came down to bangalore for a day, that was independence day. And decided to meet this lady, she appeared cool by her pic, and more so i was coming in with the mindset of "Dad told me, i'll go... big deal".

We deicided to meet at Barista in Jaynagar. We met, we chatted and we walked away. Something had already gone wrong for good. I had found myself struggling to say no for her, coz she appeared near perfect image of what i had dreamt in life. For her, family was top most priority and she gave me a good shock, she appeared so un-bangalorian despite being in the city for 3 long years. I was scared again!!!

I went back to mumbai, somehow couldnt resist sending a few cranky smses to her. I got back in software, quiet a good offer and one that i had never thought about. I was all set to come back to bangalore, i was confused, i was scared and i was at loss of words. How can my life take a turn for good? was a question that was constantly nagging me.

I reached bangalore, initial smses had already being transformed into online chat, and the moment i reached in here i found myself quiet eager to meet her. We met, we again met, and then we started meeting again and again. Finding reasons that could be as silly as i going to purchse fruits from Fab mall closer to her house!!.

Nidhi, the lady, came up in my life with immense amount of maturity. She not only got my life on way back to the track but restored my faith in the institution of marriage. She became a friend first and then my love interest. She patiently used to hear my fears out, never tried to make me believe by words. But, instead she did by her acts, acts that spoke much louder then words. She took her own sweet time to get comfortable with me, infact i never came to know when she had become an inseperable part of my thoughts.

Those small things like making matar paneer and paranthas, to wishing my bro on his promotion, then those small smses or giving me a name "laddooramji". She slowly and gradually made me enter a whole new world of immense love, a world of responsibility, a world where life has a totally different meaning. And after a span of half of my lifetime, i smiled again.

I still wasnt sure, coz i had this inherent belief that god is hell bent over taking away all that i love, this lady stood tall. She cried, fought and did all thats possible to make me realise her love for me. I coulve never imagined anyone to have stood her ground for me despite all the pressures that she was getting under from her parents. Respect for her grew taller each passing day.

So readers, its a faith restored that made me compose this piece of blog. I feel lucky to have Nidhi in life, i feel happy to have her close to me. Am yet to meet her friends, am told to be the only of the people that she had met, who is not being talked about amongst her friends, another part that made me believe that someone up there wants something to happen and ensures that those happen just the way they should.

Nidhi... thanks for being there in life.. :-) am sure without u it wouldnt have even half as pretty as it is now.. :)